Fight for Joy!
It’s time to face joylessness head on and fight for the life you deserve!
“Don’t let them run over you, Nettie say. You gotta let them know who got the upper hand.
They got it, I say.
But she keep on, You got to fight. You got to fight.
But I don’t know how to fight. All I know how to do is stay alive [said Celie].” (The Color Purple, by Alice Walker.)
These profound words have been more real to me in recent months. While Caiden struggled to breathe, battling yet another pneumonia this past spring, how could I even think about enjoying life at such a time? I’m not sure I did, exactly. But I do vividly remember resentment hardening my heart as the hospital smells and beeping sounds of telemetry monitors filled the room. And bitter thoughts about missing out on nesting in our newly built home flooded my mind. 'We shouldn’t be here! We should be home celebrating. We never catch a break. How much more can we take?! Without wanting to, I was creating angry memories surrounding this momentous occasion. But my son was very sick. How does anyone fight for joy under such circumstances? After much more personal experience than I ever wanted, I must answer my question with a question: How can you, or I not?
I can feel your cringe and eye rolling! How can anyone enjoy anything while their child suffers? But hear me out. Once you have learned that suffering cannot be avoided on this journey, that doctor jargon, g-tubes, procedures and ever-lengthening medication lists are just part of the daily grind of caring for your child with disabilities, then how do you continue to just “stay alive” (forget thrive) if you don’t squeeze some joy out of it? Joy doesn’t just happen magically, you must go toe to toe and fight for it—daily, moment by moment.
You can’t win a war without using every weapon at your disposal and attacking the enemy from every angle possible. In this series of blogs called Fight for Joy, each week I will teach you how to fight joylessness on all fronts: the Mental, the Emotional, the Spiritual, and the Physical realms of your being. I want to show you how to do battle and win on each front. Here is sneak peek:
1. The Mental Front—the thoughts we allow to ruminate in our minds determine our emotions and how we perceive new information. In moments of crisis, if the narrative in your brain is repeating “I will never get through this”, then chances are you will never get through this. As parents of children with special needs, we are being asked to deal with the impossible and make sound decisions for our children while we are hurting. In this war, we are the walking wounded. Yet, like a trained Navy Seal, we can choose to bear these wounds in a way that promotes healing and allows us to perform at the highest levels while we recover. We can become warriors for joy by intentionally thinking powerful thoughts on purpose, one thought at a time, even in the middle of crisis, that will guard your heart and mind from the viciously destructive thoughts of the enemy. Powerful thinking will bring you victoriously joyful living through the suffering.
2. The Emotional Front—Are your emotions exhausting you? As a “special” parent, it’s understandable to be experiencing a roller coaster of emotions daily, especially around the time of diagnosis. Maybe you’re experiencing anger, fear, denial/avoidance, confusion, numbness, sadness or despair? Commonly, parents can find solace reflecting upon the stages of grief. There is hope when we face the loss of the “dream child” and walk through every stage of grief allowing yourself to feel each emotion authentically and with the goal of acceptance in mind.
3. The Spiritual Front—having healthy relationship with God is a controversial topic for some parents who are struggling to believe a kind and loving Creator would allow their baby to suffer. Although I am a woman of faith, I too have wrestled with Jesus often (think cage fight or bar room brawl kind of wrestling). And I have angrily questioned His actions or inactions. It has been in the authentic, outspoken, truth-telling prayer that I have been able to find peace and purpose in the suffering. By intentionally making time for God daily, speaking my heart freely, I have become better at hearing the still small voice of God. Even in times of crisis, prayer fills me with just enough strength to fulfill my duties and enjoy life in the process. Prayer time has also given me the awareness of dark forces, whose sole purpose is to steal my joy and keep me in misery. Yes, folks, the devil is real. Knowing this has given me the power, as a daughter of the Father, to claim my rightful inheritance now. Like a trust fund baby, I can receive disbursements of Joy while alive in great expectation for the fullness of joy in heaven. Keenly understanding the root of all evil and resisting all evil influences moment by moment allows me to live more freely in my faith, knowing that God is not out to get me, but to transform me.
4. The Physical Front—we are flesh and blood, and as such, we have limits. Knowing my personal physical limits, guards me from pushing too hard or not enough. As special parents we are called to a level of strength, emotionally and physically, that is incomprehensible to most. We can either step up or shy away from this call. Physically we need strength! Does that mean I have to become a body builder? No, but it might mean you need to put down those fries and go for a walk. It means stop escaping with Netflix and go to bed and get some rest. It might even mean visiting the doctor and getting those prescriptions for your very REAL clinical depression and anxiety instead of self-medicating with another glass of chardonnay. The choices you make in your physical life have lasting consequences. This fact is equally true of our positive, healthy choices. I’m less interested in achieving rock hard abs than I am having fun. Activity gives me REAL joy. Feelings aren’t everything but being truly ALIVE is.
Throughout this series, I desire to share candidly what has worked for me as I have fought, won and lost on each of these battlefronts. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I have been at this long enough to know I have come a long way, baby! Honing these life skills, that I’m sure you already possess, will help you stop settling for survival and help you start LIVING, maybe even thriving. Remember Celie, from The Color Purple, joyful living did not happen overnight—she had to endure many a hardship before she could utter the powerful words: “I’m poor, black, I might even be ugly, but dear God, I’m here. I’m here.” (From the movie, not the book this time.) Like Celie, it may take you a long while to reject mere survival and gain the courage to live joyfully every day. But, like Celie, you already have what it takes . . . you just don’t know it yet.
Stay tuned for my next installment of Fight for Joy, coming next Tuesday evening by 6pm. Until then, God bless and give you the courage to choose Joy now!