My Inconvenient Friend

Have you ever found it hard to love a friend? Like, you want love this friend, truly, but she doesn’t make it easy? And it would be way simpler, maybe healthier, to just ignore her many texts and deny her access?  This was my friendship with Kate. She was my friend, but I can truthfully say I was never truly a friend to her. I tried. But when it became too messy, and too complicated, I bailed. 

I promise not to make this about me. But I do want to honestly remember our friend, Kate Schroeder, who was found deceased, on January 2, 2022, alone, in her apartment, after having been missing over the Christmas Holiday. I think she deserves honesty. I know God deserves the truth when we mourn the loss of one of His beloved children. And we owe it to our souls, to reflect on the choices we made concerning Kate. Choices for which we will one day have to give an account.

But first, here is what I loved about Kate . . .

She had the optimism of an innocent child. It was really beautiful to behold. She would repeatedly tell me, always out of nowhere:  “Never give up, Monica! You are so loved!” Kate was positive a better career opportunity or new chance for true love was just around the corner. All she had to do was hold on to hope! And she did for so long, despite the many real demons she faced and valiantly fought, if not always so gracefully to the public eye. I can’t name many people that put on joy the way Kate did, even though she couldn’t always feel it herself. And dare I mention . . . Kate was always dolled up and dressed to the nines! Even if she didn’t have a dime to spare, she managed to look her best. (Ladies, you know the work it takes to look presentable on the daily—this is the little known virtue of glam, not recognized by the Church … yet!) She made it look easy. And with pups, Gucci and Versace in tow! 

But mostly, I admired Kate for her solid FAITH! It was the kind of faith that desperately depends on God’s help for everything. Kate prayed the rosary, attended mass, and interceded for many souls everyday she could. She texted me (and others) sweet reminders of faith, hope and love that always seemed to arrive when I most needed it! She was gifted by God in that way.  God chose Kate to spread His Gospel in her own strange little way. And she leapt at every chance to share this gift with friends, although she certainly wasn’t aware of it being a gift. Kate was a friend to me when I had felt forgotten. While I struggled to become a mom in the middle of many challenges, Kate was there. She visited me, called me and texted me truly inspired messages of hope. She reminded me in her quirky but sincere way, I was never alone in the darkness. 

It’s no secret, Kate battled with addictions, an eating disorder, and mental health disease. And as many sweet stories I have about Kate, I have plenty of sorrowful ones. Her cross was enormous. I have known a few of saints, but none of them faced the anguish Kate endured daily, hourly, perhaps moment by moment. Many in her position, would have given up on God a long time ago. But she never did. Kate leaned into the mercy of God in a way I have rarely seen. A way I truly wish to emulate. She has given me the courage to trust in God’s goodness during the absolute worst of times.  I only wish I could have been more present to Kate when she needed me most. This is my regret. Perhaps, our regret? 

In this era of healthy boundaries, which I do heartily believe in and uphold, we can often become confused by the notion. As a result,  we build solid brick walls for the sake of our “well-being”.  Walls so high around ourselves, impossible to scale. Unless your friends are “fit” enough to meet some set of standards that feel comfortable for just you, no one is getting through. Especially not the strangely broken; they just aren’t emotionally agile enough to climb over. Eventually, they become the avoided and forgotten, on the outside of everyone’s boundaries. Sure, we do our bit to help. But just the bit.  No more, no less.  Just enough to sleep at night.  

But are these kind of boundaries what our Friend and Savior taught us? Jesus took time to be alone with the Father, not to remain comfortable in isolation, but to recharge and go forth! He was inconvenienced often by crowds of many Kates.  But He leaned into the crowd, took pity and gave of himself. Literally. Jesus loved the stranger that was difficult to love; the one that cannot quite fit into a neat Catholic box. And THIS is the love he calls us into and for. Because my friends, the reality is we are all difficult to love, but our Father still thinks we are worth the inconvenience. 

To love Kate was difficult and definitely inconvenient, more so than most. Although she hid it well, part of her knew she made others uncomfortable with her strange behavior. Which is why Kate tried so hard to cover up the oddities, to connect with others and please them, sometimes to her own detriment. She didn’t always know when to give up on people who disappointed her and couldn’t live up to her expectations. Kate never gave up on me, even though, near the end I ignored her, rejected her and ultimately limited contact to zero. In the beginning, my set limits were for her own good and my own. But I dare not fool myself into believing I did ALL I could for Kate. I know I didn’t. Some may have, sometimes. But perhaps not enough?

I used to wonder why God never chose to miraculously heal Kate of her mental illness and addictions. But now that I have a son who is disabled, I know why. Kate’s purpose was way beyond “living her best life.” It was precisely to inconvenience others into loving better. More fully. More courageously. More generously. 

Although I cannot let myself off the hook yet, I am consoled. In the end, Kate may have felt alone as she died, but she was NOT alone. Our tender Father and beloved Mother were right there loving her, in the perfect way we never could. The good news is that we are still here. For us, it’s not over yet. There are many who secretly struggle with all sorts of mental heath issues, who may not be able to accept your help, but will accept your intentional loving presence. After all, no one wants to feel like a pet project that needs fixing. Slowly, with the healthy limits of penetrable boundaries, a kind of friendship can ensue. All friendships need not be equitable. Their are some friends that need you more than you need them. Friends who take more than they can give. Kinda like our friendship with God. Are you ready to be the friend that gives more than receives? Let’s try for the sake of Kate’s memory and for her family, who mourn her loss.

Dear Lord, 

We thank you for sweet Kate and for all the lessons her life taught us. We remember her and honor her  precious life that ended so abruptly. We are sorry it took this tragedy, for us to give your daughter the attention she craved and needed. Give us the strength to pray often for the repose of her soul. May you, Heavenly Father, and all of Heaven dote upon your sweet daughter, Kate for all eternity.  Amen. 

"In this earthly life after the affection for parents and sisters, one of the most beautiful affections is that of friendship; and every day I ought to thank God because he has given me men and lady friends of such goodness who form for me a precious guide for my whole life.”

-Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati