The Emotional Battle: GUILT
Although the emotion of guilt is a tricky one, it’s an emotion that requires attention and action. Within the right mindset, it can serve as a powerful tool to guide you into joyful living. As parents of children with disabilities, guilt is a common struggle and if we are not careful it can become our identity. Sound scary? It should scare, no terrify you! Living in a constant state of guilt is no way to live and will make joy an impossibility.
When is guilt harmful? The struggle to give our children with special needs the best possible life against all odds, can place a heavy burden on our shoulders, one that is impossible to carry. The fact remains, no matter how proactive, industrious and awesome you are, you will not be able to meet all your child’s needs or desires. There are some needs that can’t be met because they are the essence of what is atypical about your child. My Caiden can’t walk independently or speak words. No matter how hard I try to exercise him, set him up for success, or apply therapies, short of a miracle, my son will never walk or talk. This fact was so hard for me to accept, that I resisted logic and insisted on pushing endless therapies onto him, placing pressure on myself to be his legs and his voice. I couldn’t allow myself to rest and simply play with Caiden—everything was goal driven therapy. After all, a good mom would do whatever it takes to heal her child to reach his/her full potential! This LIE produced so much anxiety and mainly GUILT in my heart. It was a destructive mindset because the goal was not based in reality or truth. This lie presumed that it was up to me to make Caiden better. The result: I was never good enough because I couldn’t make him better. The truth: only God can truly heal what is broken and if he chooses not to, there is a deep life-giving purpose to be revealed.
Guilt is also detrimental to joy when it is focused on the past. Would’ve, should’ve, could’ves need to disappear from your mental vocabulary. Maybe you could have eaten better during pregnancy, or gone to see the doctor sooner, or insisted your child receive a certain medication or therapy sooner. What’s done is done. Changing the past is an impossibility and thinking about how can improve upon the past is fruitless. You or I don’t need that kind of pressure added to our already heavy burdens.
When can the emotion of guilt be useful? I am slightly miffed by the popular Christian assumption that guilt is an emotion emanating solely from the enemy. I’m no longer totally convinced by this notion. Guilt is an emotion, like any other, and is part of the fallen human condition. However, this emotion can become destructive if it is improperly addressed or altogether ignored. If you are feeling guilty, there is a thought that is producing the feeling. This is where the mental and emotional battles meet! The fight gets interesting because you have to engage on the mental front to win on the emotional one. Ask yourself: why do I feel guilty? Or What thoughts produce guilt? Next, you must discern if the answer is based in truth or a lie. For example, I mentioned above feeling guilty for never doing enough to heal my son. The thought driving this emotion was I am only a good mother if I fix my son. That is obviously a lie. My job as a mom is to love and care for my son, not heal him. However, there were times when I felt guilt for not enjoying my son enough. I could see others, like my mom and sister, really immersing themselves in delight over Caiden. In the beginning, I had a tough time seeing beyond the disability. Sadly, I could only see what was “wrong” and needed fixing. I spent so much of my time bargaining with God about what I could handle and what He must cure in my son. But here, the feeling of guilt is justified. I needed to feel ashamed for placing unfair expectations over my child. Be normal or it will be hard for me to enjoy you. Do you see the difference? The first example of guilt was based in lie, the second was based in truth and therefore justified. Nonetheless, the emotion once experienced and processed allowed me the opportunity to examine my thought life, accept truth and discard lies. In sum, be sure ask yourself what am I feeling and why?
Admittedly, there are times where the answer is not so clear-cut. Guilt can be the result of mixed motivations. A good example can be found in the desire of many moms/dads wanting to return to work after having been a full-time caregiver. I realize, every parent experiences guilt differently, but please indulge me in this generalization for a minute. In this desire, there may be a part of you that longs to engage your brain in complex problem solving and adult conversations. But, if you are honest, there also exists a huge part that wants to escape the mundane and mindless tasks of parenting. These desires are exponential in the parent of a child with disabilities, and so is the accompanying guilt. The fact is that no one can take care of your child better than you do. But it’s also true that you need to be stimulated in ways caregiving can never supply. And for sanity’s sake, you may need to escape the monotony that is your life of routines, therapies and super simple songs. Although comforting to your child, this routine can feel like a slow death to your passions as the years go by and your child doesn’t progress in development and neither do you. For me, the temptation to feel guilty about that truth was overwhelming. I asked myself MANY times: What’s wrong with me? Why isn’t motherhood enough for me? I compared myself with other moms who seemed to thrive being a stay-at-home caregivers. They seemed carefree posting recipes and smiles on Facebook, whereas I felt suffocated, forgotten and my passion wasting away. I could gone on and on about how toxic comparison is, but I will leave that for another day.
Cleary, messy motivations need to be clarified if one is to have peace and joy. I’m not sure it’s entirely possible to have pure motives 100% of the time, even after facing the thoughts behind the emotions. We are human after all. On this side of eternity, we may not be capable of purely selfless motivations. But understanding the why behind what you desire and making peace with your imperfect reasons, can alleviate guilt. My encouragement for you is to put your guilt in the interrogation room and don’t stop questioning until you get answers! You may be surprised what is revealed. Be not afraid, the truth will set you free!
Next time, let’s talk about a new battlefront. Let’s dive into the spiritual realm of battle! It’s about to get serious here. Until then, God bless and give you abundant joy!