The Emotional Battle Part II
The dangers of lingering in grief versus choosing to live in gratitude. The Choice is yours.
Last week, I wrote about leaning into the loss and facing the pain of the death of the life you dreamed of before your child with special needs was born. But when does “facing the pain” become languishing in your sorrows. Or brooding in regret over what could have been. When fighting joylessness on the emotional battlefront, it’s important to remember feelings are like children—"you don’t want them driving the car, but you shouldn’t stuff them in the trunk either” (from the movie Thanks for Sharing). Although mourning a loss, we want to stay grounded in the fact—the child you do have, lives. And so do you!
It's a fine line we must walk between honoring one’s feelings and falling into despair. But it is possible. How? Gratitude. I know what your thinking! Here she goes again, talking about gratitude. Why gratitude? Because it is the essence of joy. It’s impossible to have joy when you bitterly believe you got a raw deal. The truth is you have been given the opportunity of a lifetime. Your beautiful child with all his/her difficulties and differences is sorely needed in this cruel world. The innocent are too often the collateral damage to the greed of man. There are some who believe children like Caiden are a burden on society and not a blessing. Nothing could be further from the truth. There is much value in the lives of children with profound disabilities, way beyond what they can do or accomplish. My son is intellectually disabled, and I am speaking out of my unique experience. Please do not be offended if I am oversimplifying. I realize that there exists a wide range of disabilities and special needs, and that there are many who are high functioning although living with a diagnosis, disability or challenge. And there is much this population can contribute to society. But Caiden, my son, is not one of these people. There is very little he can do with out full assistance. Yet, he is a light to all, a true joy. A reminder that our happiness does not depend on what we do, but on who we are. Caiden is beloved and chosen to be a witness to God’s goodness. How do I know that? Because he is alive!
This next part will be hard to digest without some faith in God. If you are alive right now, it’s only by the grace of God. Think about it. The world is such a deadly place. We could be gone in an instant due to disease, car wrecks, natural disasters, or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The fact that you breathe right now is a miracle. Science only proves just how miraculous and fragile your life actually is. If just one element is off, then the delicate balance of life is destroyed. Look at my son and see the proof. The only difference between Caiden and a typical child is oxygen. At birth Caiden was deprived of it, and the latter got just enough. Tragic? Maybe. But he is alive, and he shouldn’t be. And if my son is just “lucky” to be alive, and not chosen, then why is he so damn happy all the time? He shouldn’t be considering his impossible circumstances—living with debilitating seizures, spasticity and no control over his bodily functions. Most of us are crippled by the mere thought of living this way. But Caiden lives in the moment, enjoying what he can do and seemingly unphased by what he lacks. And, yes, I’m not naïve, I realize Caiden’s intellectual disability keeps him from realizing and understanding what he lacks in motor and cognitive skills. But that fact, in and of itself, is a grace from God! His lack of cognition saves him from caring about his differences. I’m certain, there are giant holes in my theory and someone a lot smarter could out philosophize me. But here the battle is to win JOY, not some contest in intelligence. And when your feelings are wreaking havoc to your mood and life, perhaps it’s time to change your philosophy on life.
So how do we win when we feel like we are losing? We begin to believe that we are destined for so much more than what we feel at the moment. We are destined for greatness, and your child is helping you live out that greatness before heaven. Anybody can be a parent, but how many get to be a “special” parent. And yes, I am aware of the annoyance some special needs parents feel about the idea of being “chosen”. I know how your skin crawls when typical parents say “special kids have special parents” to assuage their guilt for having it easier than you do! I get it. The truth is that raising a child with disabilities forces us to rise to the occasion and become “special”. Nonetheless, we always have a choice to parent with intentional care or not. Just look at all the disabled children in the foster care system. Clearly, there exists a choice. I propose you choose to raise your child in the best way you know how, and let your feelings play catch up. Choose to show up and remain present to your child despite what the sadness, fear, anger, confusion, etc. Every parent must make this choice, you just have more challenges to overcome along the way. But if you can begin to believe that God has purposed you for this mission, and that you are stronger than your feelings or at the very least, the mission is more important than your feelings, then your choice can allow joy to seep into your heart and mind. Choose to see your child clearly, the way God sees us. We are so imperfect and undeserving, yet we are given so much! See the beauty in the differences, instead of lamenting the absence of milestones achieved. Choosing a perspective of gratitude, has helped me love the Caiden’s quirks. Instead of feeling saddened by them, I celebrate them! In sum, it’s the choices we make that determine our enjoyment, not our feelings.
Nonetheless, at times, I feel disappointed and discouraged by how difficult and unfair my life seems. But I cannot afford to allow my heart to sink into the depths of those feelings. I’ve already allowed them to rob me of many hours of delighting in my son in those early days of grief. I don’t beat myself up about the time I lost feeling sad, it was part of the process, but I do know I indulged too long in those emotions. I look back on some pics when Caiden was a toddler and I literally can’t remember him being so cute. It’s like I wasn’t even there because I wasn’t. I was in my head, worrying about his development and feeling depressed because he wasn’t meeting his milestones. It was easier to linger in the grief, than doing the tough work of loving and accepting my son as he was at present. I regret the time I lost. I will never get it back. But, once I began to fall in love with what was in front of me, I could let go of the dream that was haunting me and keeping me in a past that would never be. I finally chose to place both feet firmly into my life as it was and not as it should be. I chose to be grateful for the opportunity to become worthy of my special child! I chose to be a blessing in his life and in others lives. I’m no longer a tragedy, but an inspiration. And so are you!
I began coaching, and created The Joyful Unknown, because I wanted to help people like you, not lose a precious moment more than needed in lamenting over what you don’t have and begin celebrating what you do have. The choice truly belongs to you, remain in tragedy or move into love and acceptance. You alone must decide. Until next time, God bless you and fight the good fight!