The Unseen War

The fight against sadness.

The battle is real, my friends.  The more I live, the more I am aware that there exists an unseen war waged by darkness to steal the light . . . the possibility for true joy.  Regardless of whether you believe in good vs. evil, I think everyone has felt this certain “pull” toward the negative, the bleak, or the hopeless. Whether the “pull” exists in the imagination, in a chemical balancing act in the brain, or is a tangible element in the spirit world, the battle must be engaged on all fronts if you are to come out on top with your joy intact. Personally, sadness has always seemed to lurk in the shadows of every season of my life. Only recently, have I truly begun to win more battles over sadness, than lose my territory rooted in Joy.

Before marrying my husband Nathan of 12 years and adopting our son Caiden in 2015 (who has since been diagnosed with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy, LGS (Lennox Gastaut syndrome-a life endangering seizure disorder, and severe developmental/intellectual disabilities), I struggled for many years with undiagnosed PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). No achievement, no fun experience, or word of encouragement seemed to be enough to keep my joy alive for long. In my mind, I believed my broken childhood had set me up for a life of “less than”, and no matter what I did, I would always be a little sad. Complete disclosure, not even my deep faith in Christ seemed to shake the sadness away. I actually found myself accepting depression as a way of life.

Thankfully, in 2011, while undergoing infertility treatment, I was diagnosed and placed on an antidepressant. Around that time, I also began to practice Unbound, a Christian spiritual exercise consisting of verbal renunciation of unseen influential forces dragging you toward joyless living. (An example of Unbound is stating out loud “in the name of Jesus, I renounce the lie that I am destined to always be sad.” ) This practice was, and still is, extremely powerful in reclaiming a life of abundance, as promised to me as a daughter of God. Additionally, I also worked with a therapist to heal psychological wounds of the past and began to exercise and eat right. Yet, if I stopped there, I would have remained with residual lingering sadness.  No medicine, therapy, spiritual or physical practice alone was or is enough to defeat the pull toward darkness. So, what is?

It’s simple.  Change your thoughts, change your life.  Did I disappoint you? I can hear your cynical voice say: “that is too easy.” But there is nothing easy about changing the way you think. Think about it. The way you have been thinking is probably the way you have thought your whole life, especially if you have never stopped to think about what you have been thinking. Simply, thinking is like any other habit. All habits, good or bad, can profoundly impact the course of your life.  And if you are not naturally a “positive thinker”, your negative thinking habit could ruin any chance of Joy.  But don’t take my word for it, let sage advice be your guide. One translation of Proverbs 23: 7 declares, “for as he thinks in his heart, so is he.”  Additionally, a Chinese Proverb explains, “sow a thought reap an action, sow an action reap a habit, sow a habit reap a character, sow a character reap a destiny.” East and West agree; your thoughts matter. A LOT! They shape what you do, what you believe, and more importantly who you become.

As a mom of a child with significant disabilities, no matter how you cut it, my reality is difficult.  Sometimes the glass is not half full—it is near empty.  Denying that reality would be phony and fruitless.  And simply looking on “the bright side of things” denies the complexity involved in achieving true joyful living, and merely masks the sadness with skin-deep happiness.  As a matter of fact, to have deep, lasting, meaningful Joy, all masks need to be stripped away to reveal the truth of what is underneath. Unhidden, the truth can be faced and dealt with. For example, the plain truth of my life is this: short of a miracle, my son’s physical, emotional, and cognitive limitations cannot be cured; he may not live to see adulthood or even adolescence; and to sustain his quality of life requires a massive coordinated effort which necessitates much energy and sacrifice from my husband and me. Boom! Reality. So, what do I do with this information? How I feel about it—sad, of course—matters less than how I choose to think about these facts. Here is the key to winning the war against sadness.

Most of us fall into the temptation of perceiving our tough circumstances or the reality as a curse rather than a blessing. Thinking your circumstances are a curse, and eventually believing that your identity is related to being cursed is how sadness wins.  But what if you could turn reality on its head? What if “the curse” could become your greatest blessing? What if overcoming the impossible curse is actually your destiny? In other words, what if you were made for greatness? When I began to think about my circumstances as blessings, Joy not only became possible, but unavoidable. 

So, how could my son’s disability be my greatest blessing? Because it is my best opportunity to become great, to reach my maximum potential, and find my destiny (for me it’s Heaven, I hope).  Think about it in another way.  How do athletes become great? They challenge themselves with rigorous exercises and training routines. No one becomes great at anything, if left unchallenged. Often, those who avoid the suffering of difficult challenges are left unsatisfied. The comforts of easy living only provide temporary feelings of pleasure.  Once the novelty of comfort fades, what remains is a vapid character without purpose, without depth. I’m sure you can think of some examples without my help. When humans meet a challenge head on and endure its suffering, they are forced to improve, innovate and become better.  Through the suffering, there is growth.  Therefore, I now choose to think about all the difficult circumstances of my life, even my child’s disabilities, as opportunities for greatness which lead me closer to my sweet destiny.  And all opportunities are full of possibility, hope and, of course don’t forget, joy.  

I may not be able to cure my son disabilities, but I can choose to become a great mom and better person because of them, in a way that would not have been possible if he were typical and healthy.   Purposely thinking of my reality in this way defeats feelings of sadness.  I still do feel sad at times. I’m only human after all, and it’s never fun watching my son suffer through a seizure—I will never get used to that. But the feelings of sadness no longer overwhelm me or rob me of joy. I can now feel sad, without being sad or staying sad. I can overcome the feeling with powerful thoughts about my God-given purpose and who I am becoming.  Soberly perceiving my challenges as a training ground for greatness, gives me lasting Joy that no one or devil or dark thing can take away for me.

Points of reflection: How do you overcome feelings of sadness? What or who do you turn to when you are feeling sad? Can you identify any thoughts or patterns of thinking that keep you “trapped” in sadness? What are some different thoughts you can intentionally think of to free you from feelings of sadness?  

I welcome your questions and comments! God bless!